I didn’t grow up in a religious home. Sure, we went to Catholic church. We learned how to use the rosary, go to the confessional, and make a habit of attending church. It was always more about the action itself as if to mark it off a checklist rather than the importance of a relationship with God.
We strayed away from the church because my parents believed in giving us the option to go if we so chose. I did not too often go back to church, but periodically as I grew into adulthood, I would find myself desiring to go. I would go by choice in college from time to time with different friends, but I then strayed away from it all over again. I began this journey into adulthood, so lost and confused. I went from an academic superstar (all of my life) to being politely told that because of the decline of my GPA and my lack of ability to bring it up to college level standards, I was not allowed to continue on my journey for at least a year. I was devastated. This is not who I was and I somehow failed. I somehow let other things define me and I forgot how to be successful. I simply didn’t know how. In hindsight, I realize it was because I had lost my flame. I lost my direction. I tried to fulfill a role others wanted for me and not the one God created. I looked to others for my direction not realizing it is not for them, it is for HIM. I decided to work full time. I got involved in not one, but two unhealthy relationships back to back. I somehow could never get back on the path to a bright future like everyone believed I had. I let myself down and let down those who believed in me. Most of all, I think even though I didn’t really have a relationship with God, in some ways, I believed I let Him down too. How can someone like HIM love me with all of my imperfections and mistakes?
This path I unknowingly continued on was so dark while disguised by what I thought was fun and popularity. I became something based on a completely different set of values than what I knew. It was more of how people around me approved of me. I was not proud of this person because I knew I was deserving and better than what I allowed myself to be. Somehow, when you get wrapped up in the world, you lose yourself. One day, something happens and it hits you. Suddenly, you’re in the pits and there’s no one (at least it feels like it) to save you from yourself.
I reached rock bottom, I had sabotaged all of my good relationships with people; I was depressed, full of anxiety, ashamed, and felt entirely alone. I was ashamed of who I had become. I was giving up on myself and I was entirely hopeless. It’s not like I was engaged in drugs or alcoholism. It was my dependency on the world that didn’t sit right in my spirit. It was my dependency on people. I only had one thing left to try before I gave up completely. See, I heard once if you are still here on Earth, God has a purpose or plan for you to fulfill. So one night on a drive home, completely heartbroken and sobbing out of control, I yelled at God so angry and hurt. “Why am I here???? WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?? IF I’M STILL HERE, PLEASE TELL ME. PLEASE SHOW ME WHAT IT IS YOU WANT ME TO DO AND I’LL DO IT.” I pleaded with God to show it to me because I knew if I was here, I had a purpose. I just had not found it yet. If God really wanted me to be here, surely He would guide me.
After my plea to God, I didn’t give it much thought. I just continued on as I usually did and marked that moment off as one of those desperate, sad moments I often faced around that time. Except for this time, I actually reached out to something/someone I wasn’t entirely sure I believed in.
A few weeks later, I went to a musical. Anyone who knows me, knows I come from a military family. My father served 22 years in the Army as an infantryman. I’ve always been proud of that. This particular musical was performed by active duty military members. With eagerness, I attended the show to support the subculture I grew up in. Before the show, a gentleman spoke to the crowd and gave his appreciation for the community’s support. He had severe physical injuries, a result from a deployment overseas. When I saw him, I remember the overwhelming feeling of wanting to help him and people like him. I knew at that moment, I wanted to work with military members and Veterans and provide them the help they needed to overcome the repercussions of sacrifice to our country. I wanted to help military kids like me who don’t understand why our parents are the way they are sometimes, this time from invisible injuries we can’t quite comprehend.
I decided to speak to my college mentor/ advisor. At that time, I was completing my last year of my undergrad degree. I said, “I want to help military people. I want to be a counselor for them. What can I do?” My advisor said, “It’s funny you say that. USC just announced their Masters of Social Work program will have a military specialization program they are starting soon. You should really look into it.” Upon further research, USC Columbia was one of the only few Social Work programs that offered a Military specialization. ONLY A FEW in the entire NATION and one of them so happened to be in the city I lived. I thought to myself, “This surely is a sign”.
I knew from the depths of my heart, THIS WAS IT. After all, I asked HIM. For once, I believed in HIS power to show me something I had been missing and here it was. I didn’t go into this prayer thinking He’d actually answer it, but the special part about it is I knew it took my darkest days to try to believe in Him. He already knew this though.
Two years later, I applied to graduate school and to the very program, my mentor told me about. I took a leap of faith and reminded myself, if this is what HE wants for me, it will happen. I was accepted. I’m in my last year of the Social Work program (my program is 3 years long). During our program, we are required to fulfill two years of field practice. Similar to a residency for doctors. Our last year, we get to choose where we would like to do our internship. Just like a job, we had to be interviewed and go through a rigorous process to be selected. I just got offered my dream internship working directly with our Nation’s Veterans.
I applied for many internships, and this by far is the most competitive. It is the most difficult internship to get into. I knew He would take me where He wanted me to go. I just needed to have faith. The day I received the offer was by far one of the most overwhelming days of my life (in a good way). I didn’t get in because I was smart, or I have maintained a 3.9 GPA in graduate school. I didn’t get in because I knew someone. I didn’t get in because of ME. I got in because of HIM. I cried so much because I knew everything I had been through had brought me to this moment. I felt so loved because He made a promise and He kept it. My purpose, my calling, had quickly turned into my dream because I knew there was no greater love than His and because of His love, He grants you these promises. I knew if I followed Him, He would give me something far more than I could ever imagine. That’s why His purpose for me became my dream.
The best part about all of this is no matter how many times I failed, no matter how many times I wanted to give up, no matter how many times I lost hope, or lost my way, God always waited for me. He always received me lovingly, and HE always always showed me grace. I, for the first time in my life, felt a love so unconditional and surreal. I was a mess and He still loved me in all of my messiness. He still loved me even in my brokenness. That is something I can never completely understand, especially when there are days where I can hardly love myself. But there are these small, special moments where I feel Him remind me not who I am, but WHOSE I am, and I remember that it is beyond an honor to be loved by HIM. But to be loved by Him is not some privilege only the special among us can have. It is for everyone. No matter where you are, who you are, or what you have done, He waits for you TOO. Sometimes this world is so ugly and sometimes people make us believe we aren’t worthy of love. I can assure you, HE LOVES YOU TOO. Just reach for Him, and he will receive you too. He’s waiting for you.
